Saturday, May 14, 2016

(Probably Bad) Relationship/Dating/Being Single Advice

"We're not here for love. We're here to laugh at your pain."
                                                                   -Chelsea Peretti

I've always wanted to write about dating and relationships, but it always seemed a bit too much like airing my dirty laundry on the internet. As much as I enjoy social media, I keep the actual details of my personal life out of it. But right now I am suuuuuuper single (you know, there's single, and then there's super-with-six-u's single). So I feel like I can write about this stuff and it will come across as general reflections, rather than direct hits at any one person. Plus at super-with-six-u's single, I've reached a sweet stage of chillness with myself, and I really don't care if someone thinks any of this is about them anyway.

Some of this advice is serious, but most of it is just me roasting myself for having terrible judgement and pretty poor decision making abilities. The truth is that having been a "relationship person" for the past 13 years, I sometimes feel like I know less about how to make it work than I ever have.  Because I've definitely tried. But hey, at least I can look back at everything I have experienced and have a good laugh about it.

(Cue crying for 72 hours straight)

Try not to fall in love with an idea: I like to do this thing where I decide who a person is before I've really gotten to know them. And I will cling to that idea even as it becomes very apparent that this person is not all the things I projected onto them for whatever suited my needs at the time. And I'll get mad at the person. Why are you not the fictional character I created in my head 10 minutes into our first date? RUDE.

This goes for breakups too. Try not to mourn what didn't actually exist.

Don't mistake darkness for depth: I recently read an article that said women tend to be attracted to men who are "mad, bad or dangerous to know." And I was like....where IS this gentleman you speak of? Dark and broody gets me every time. But sometimes they just turn out to be boring and grouchy(or worse, dumb and volatile).

Whhhhhy is this so appealing?
Try to understand that it's hard to be a good person in a breakup: Breakups suck. It's pretty much a given that one, and most likely both people involved are going to be hurt in some way. That's the nature of a breakup. But it doesn't mean the other person is evil. Real talk, I think it's worth it to be compassionate, even during something as painful as a breakup. Plus if you can keep your cool and be nice to them even as things fall apart, they're totally gonna be thinking about what a sweet angel you were when the next person they date is calling them an asshole.

Don't look for closure: I just don't think it exists.  Oh, unless "closure" is when you see your ex at a bar 6 months after you break up, and you proceed to get obnoxiously drunk and yell at them for being a jerk even though you dumped them, and then because they are a better person than you they walk you home to make sure you're safe, while you continue to yell at them the whole time and you wake up alone the next morning, still wearing all your clothes and makeup from the night before and you know for SURE that it is "case closed" because that guy is definitely NEVER going to talk to you again. Is that closure? Because ok yeah, I would say that exists.

Say what you need to say:  Even though I don't believe in closure, I do think it's easier to move on if you don't feel like you have left a bunch of things unsaid. I have regrets. But I have never regretted telling someone how I felt about them. Even if I had to swallow my pride to do it.

Don't romanticize the past: Sometimes I get really sad and lonely and start to wax poetic over how much better things were when I had a boyfriend. But then I get honest with myself and realize I was sad and lonely even when I was in a relationship and I feel a lot better. It is honestly so comforting to remember that you are empty inside whether you have a significant other or not.

Give yourself one free "That never happened": Who? Never heard of him.
 Don't be too bummed if you're single in your 30's: I get it, but like, just get over it. A lot of people are single in their 30's. There's tons of reasons to get bummed out about dating, but I really don't think age needs to be one of them. People are living longer these days. Like damn if you get married at 25 you could conceivably be married for 65+ years. That's a real long time. And if you're bummed because you're in your 30's and all your friends are married, don't worry! The divorces will be rolling around soon.

Try, try, try not to let it all make you bitter:  I know it's hard. I'm trying too.


Thank you for reading....and good luck out there.