Wednesday, January 6, 2016

Writing

Last month I found myself in a pretty dark place after laying in bed for too long re-watching Bojack Horseman and scrolling through the Facebook page "Nihilist Memes". If you are familiar with either one of those things you might be able to imagine the type of mood I was in. You know, just sitting in a dark room staring at the time on my phone, waiting for the eternal nothingness to swallow me because nothing means anything.

No.

Yikes, I know. But don't worry. Fortunately-or unfortunately-the nothingness was taking wayyyy too long to show up, and thanks to the internet, my attention span is about 3 seconds long. I decided I could wait no longer, and nursed myself out of my short lived existential crisis by reading inspirational quotes via Instagram accounts like "mindsetofgreatness" "purplebuddhaproject" and "leannrimes". I even brought my friends along on my spiritual journey by posting a few of my favourite inspirational quotes on my own Instagram account. Come, walk with me.

But even though I had climbed out of the black hole in my mind, I had to ask myself, was this really because of cartoon horse and a bunch of memes? Or could the crushing weight of meaninglessness be coming from somewhere else? And I had to admit to myself that it's been some time since I have really felt happy. Or I think the better word is fulfilled, because I definitely have had moments of happiness.

It's not that things have been terrible. If you asked me what's the worst thing that has ever happened to me, I don't think I'd be able to come up with an answer, because nothing really that bad has ever happened to me. I just don't feel like I'm doing anything that gives me any sense of purpose. I don't think I've always felt like that, so I asked myself, at what point in my life did I feel the most fulfilled?

The answer came easily. The best I have felt about what I was "doing with my life" is when I was writing, and sharing my writing on a regular basis. I used to write in my blog weekly. My entries would usually get only a hundred or so views, which was cool with me. Once in a while, someone would actually reach out and tell me that something I had written had resonated with them, and I think that might actually be the coolest thing I have ever felt in my life. Not because of the idea of praise(although that's nice). But because writing is something that I love doing, and to connect with someone over something that feels real to you is a pretty good way to feel like maybe some things means something.

I'm not sure why I stopped writing and sharing my writing with people. I think part of me just let life get me down-like who do I think I am, putting my thoughts out there like people are supposed to care? I got afraid that people would think I was full of myself, daring to put my work out there. I think that's something that holds a lot of people back from doing things that make them happy. Fear of judgement. But there's a lot of great quotes on Instagram that will tell you to live your dreams. And Lemmy just died!!! We owe it to him to live life by our own terms.

Via @unspirational on Instagram

Are you guys ready to hear my dream? My dream is to confidently call myself a writer. Not to say "I like writing" or "I've written a few things"-I'm a writer. I've been writing a lot lately, and not sharing it with anyone. I don't think this blog is going to be where I realize my dreams. But I do really enjoy the feeling of interacting with people through writing(mostly because I feel painfully awkward interacting in the real world), and I've been writing every day lately, so maybe some of my thoughts will make it to the outside world, at least to my friends on Facebook. I've got a lot to say, and I'm very motivated to get it all down.

That is, until the next season of Bojack Horseman comes out on Netflix.

Thanks for reading. xo.

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