Sunday, July 19, 2015

The Matrix and The Moon

It's been a long time since I've written anything here. I've wanted to, many times. But for months, something was blocking me.

I didn't create this blog with a specific theme in mind. But it ended up leaning heavily towards being a makeup blog. Makeup is something I enjoy, and it's fun and easy to write about. But makeup, as a literary topic, is very lighthearted. I've been feeling many things, but lighthearted is not one of them. As far as writing goes, blogging especially, I seem to have lost my footing, and I'm not sure where to go from here.

I've spent the last year learning about everything shitty in the world. I went back to school full time to  work on my never ending degree in Political Science, and the experience has left me feeling...heavy. I feel like I spent my very hard earned savings to learn that the world is terrible place where you're pretty much fucked if you're not born rich and white. And I don't know if it's just because as a student I'm paying more attention to the news or what, but I feel like a lot really terrible stuff has happened in the world in the past year. I'm really struggling to figure out what I've gained from my education, but it's hard not to focus on what I've lost instead. Money, that hurts. But I've also lost optimism. I've always liked to think that people are inherently good. And I thought that if you were nice to people and worked hard and practiced positive thinking that everything would work out. But I feel a lot less sure of all of that now.

Another thing that has kept me from writing here is a constant, underlying feeling that I am spending way too much time on the internet. It really freaks me out sometimes. We have these entire online selves that exist at all times, regardless of what we are doing in the real world. Constantly comparing ourselves to someone else's fiction. What the fuck are we doing? We've willingly inserted ourselves into The Matrix, without Keanu Reeves or even Jada Pinkett Smith to help us out.

 Clearly, I'm overthinking a lot of shit.

I feel a little rusty in my prose, but I think I need to channel these feelings of anger and paranoia-for my own well being, if nothing else.  There have been times recently that I have felt very dark-purposeless and unaccomplished. When I look back, writing in this blog is the most fulfilling thing I've done, maybe ever.

I spent this past weekend at my parents' cottage. I got to have that wonderful cliche experience of connecting with nature. I witnessed a sunset that looked like a series of paintings in a Canadian art gallery, and waded in clear, warm water with smooth, rippling sands below. But the geographic feature that struck me as the most beautiful was this flat, black rock that borders the shore of a particular part of Lake Huron.

The texture of the rock reminds me of what I'd imagine the surface of the moon looks like. And it reminded me that the Earth too is a rock flying through space. We all know that the Earth is a planet, but it's not something that really crosses my mind very often. Standing on that rock, I forgot about all the things that are weighing me down. For a minute, all I thought about was how crazy it was that I was standing on a planet. There's a lot shitty stuff happening on this particular planet. But I'm here. I want to say "and I'm going to make the most of it!" But for now, I'll leave it at that; I'm here.

I hope this blog entry doesn't come across as self indulgently melancholy, although it probably is exactly that. I hope to write in this blog regularly again, although I may or may not post the entries on Facebook like I used to do. Thanks for reading.