I'm not even sure what I'm worried about. I've pretty much gotten over that whole "what the fuck am I doing with my life" thing that plagued me for at least a few years in my twenties. I think everybody feels like sometimes, and people get weirded out if they're not where they thought they would be at a certain age. But at some point I realized that I'm just living my life and trying my best and making some good decisions and some bad ones and hopefully learning something. Just like everybody else. I've got a great family, a boyfriend who is my best friend, and a few other people who have my back when I need them. I've got a diploma, a job I've been very proud of, and with this blog I've found a fufilling creative outlet. I've been on a few trips and had a lot of great times in general. I mean I'm not 100% killing it at life, but I'm not totally blowing it either. I feel like I'm approximately where I should be, and I don't feel like I missed out on anything in my 20s.
So what's my problem then? I think part of it is just the fear of the unknown. I don't know how to be A Woman In Her Thirties. I have a lot of questions.Most have to do with my wardrobe. Like, am I going to have to stop wearing short shorts? And I think that points to a major issue is here: Pure Vanity. I do not want to get old and ugly. I know, I'm probably a bad person for saything that but it's how I feel. I'm no beauty queen, but with enough makeup (usually about 2 pounds) I've been able to work with what I got. Is it all about to go to shit? Am I going to have to start relying on my personality? Oh dear.
And there's a sense of loss with reaching the end of my twenties. All jokes aside, I don't really feel old at all. I wouldn't even say that I don't feel young. But I do feel like I'm not part of "the youth" anymore. I hear Bruno Mars's song "Young, Wild Girls" and I don't feel like it's about me. When I was 26 I went to Vegas with a group of girls and had a pretty crazy time. Since then I always pictured going back and replicating the experince. But now I'm starting to think that when I do go back(which I will) it won't be quite like that. I mean it would still be super fun, but I think that even just a few years later I wouldn't have the same feeling of wreckless abandon I had then. Especially the way my hangovers go these days-I'd go buck wild the first day and be done-zo for the rest of the trip.
But despite some fear, and a little bit of sadnss, I'm ultimately looking forward to turning 30. Ok, maybe I'm not looking forward to the actual day I hit the big 3-0. With 8 months to go, I've already enlisted a friend to come over on my birthday and hold me while I cry. But I am looking forward to my 30s. The past decade, as fun as it has been, was pretty turbulent. I feel like in the past year or two I've gotten my feet firmly on the ground. I have a better sense of what I want for myself. And most importantly, I've begun to feel pretty confident about taking action and doing the things I really want to do. My twenties have been all about having a great time, and I feel like I appreciated being young and a little bit wild. I won't look back on those times and wish I'd done anything differently. But I think my thirties are going to be where I find out what really matters to me, and I'm going to put my energy into that. I feel confident in myself in a way that has nothing to do with my hair or my makeup.
So I think it's going to be ok. I'm gonna rock my 30's. And when I start to feel like the beginning of that decade signifies the end of ever feeling attractive, I'll repeat one of my personal mantras over and over in my head:
"Look to the Aniston." (PS. This works in many situations, especially breakups. I mean, it can't be worse than THAT right? And she survived just fine.)
She gives me hope. Thirteen years after "The One Where They All Turn 30", she's still killing it. As long as I make millions of dollars and have access to all the best cosmetic procedures and can buy thousand dollar eye cream with diamonds in it or some shit like that, getting older is going to be juuuussst peachy.