I've never been a good sleeper, even as a baby, which my parents remind me of at most family gatherings. It comes and goes, but generally my inability to fall asleep has followed me all the way to adulthood. It's extremely frustrating, because I can never really pinpoint a cause, and I definitely haven't found a remedy (aside from getting black out drunk. That works every time, but has some negative repercussions in waking life). I can be dead-tired, I can spend all day thinking about nothing else other than getting into bed and sleeping-and then I get there and boom. Wide awake. Sometimes it happens when I'm stressed out(which is often), but sometimes it happens when everything is going great. A lot of the time I get into bed and my mind just starts racing. But then sometimes nothing is going on in my brain and I just. Can't. Fucking. Sleep.
I've tried different things to ease my insomnia, with varying degrees of success. I try not to drink caffeine for hours before I go to bed. I'll turn off my computer and read a book, or even just lay there and try to like, think calm thoughts or some crap. I'm physically active, which is supposed to be good for sleep. And sometimes I can fall asleep-I even have weeks at a time where I get decent sleep. But really on those nights that I'm having trouble falling asleep, nothing seems to help. Last night I got into bed-tired-at 12:30, and I didn't fall asleep until 4:30. And when it gets that bad it becomes a cycle, because on so little sleep, the only way I can make it through the next day is with loads of caffeine that then makes it hard to asleep the next night. And it just fucks up everything-my mood, my appetite, my abilitiy to even somewhat pretend that I'm a normal functional human being.
Since I started writing this blog and making YouTube videos, I have found at least some solace in making attempts to actually write down and remember some of the many thoughts that circle through my brain when I can't sleep. Because I do sometimes think of things that seem pretty smart to me at 3 o'clock on a Tuesday morning. But even that's hard. I know some people get super productive at night time-but not me. I might not be able to sleep, but I usually also don't feel like getting out of bed to do anything. Or even doing anything while I'm laying there. All I want to do is sleep, and I can't, and it sucks.
Ok this is probably the most whiney blog post I've ever written. But I know I'm not alone in this problem, so I thought I'd just put it out there and maybe a few people can commiserate. I honestly intended to do a more in depth post about how insomnia affects me, but I'm too tired so fuck it. Thanks for reading.
|Not my exact problem, but maybe this will be what keeps me up tonight.|
PS. I'm sorry for saying for saying Fuck You at the beginning of this post. I'm just really, really tired, and really, really jealous of people who can sleep. But I didn't mean that. Let's make up. BFFs.