Monday, April 28, 2014

Insomnia Sucks.

People who can fall asleep easily don't get it. The most common respone I get when I tell people I have a hard time falling asleep is "That's so weird-I LOVE sleep!" Yeah, fuck you, I love sleep too. I just can't get any. I posted on my Facebook earlier today that I couldn't sleep last night because I was thinking too much about writing a blog post about not being able to sleep-that was only half true. I couldn't sleep anyway, and the thought of writing a blog post about it only occurred to me after about three hours of laying in bed hoping that I would pass out soon. After trying all the sleep techniques that have failed me for years, I gave up trying to get a good night's rest and plotted out an essay about how insomnia affects me. Of course, now I'm too exhausted to really remember any of it. Fuck.

I've never been a good sleeper, even as a baby, which my parents remind me of at most family gatherings. It comes and goes, but generally my inability to fall asleep has followed me all the way to adulthood. It's extremely frustrating, because I can never really pinpoint a cause, and I definitely haven't found a remedy (aside from getting black out drunk. That works every time, but has some negative repercussions in waking life). I can be dead-tired, I can spend all day thinking about nothing else other than getting into bed and sleeping-and then I get there and boom. Wide awake. Sometimes it happens when I'm stressed out(which is often), but sometimes it happens when everything is going great. A lot of the time I get into bed and my mind just starts racing. But then sometimes nothing is going on in my brain and I just. Can't. Fucking. Sleep.

I've tried different things to ease my insomnia, with varying degrees of success. I try not to drink caffeine for hours before I go to bed. I'll turn off my computer and read a book, or even just lay there and try to like, think calm thoughts or some crap. I'm physically active, which is supposed to be good for sleep. And sometimes I can fall asleep-I even have weeks at a time where I get decent sleep. But really on those nights that I'm having trouble falling asleep, nothing seems to help. Last night I got into bed-tired-at 12:30, and I didn't fall asleep until 4:30. And when it gets that bad it becomes a cycle, because on so little sleep, the only way I can make it through the next day is with loads of caffeine that then makes it hard to asleep the next night. And it just fucks up everything-my mood, my appetite, my abilitiy to even somewhat pretend that I'm a normal functional human being.

Since I started writing this blog and making YouTube videos, I have found at least some solace in making attempts to actually write down and remember some of the many thoughts that circle through my brain when I can't sleep. Because I do sometimes think of things that seem pretty smart to me at 3 o'clock on a Tuesday morning.  But even that's hard. I know some people get super productive at night time-but not me. I might not be able to sleep, but I usually also don't feel like getting out of bed to do anything. Or even doing anything while I'm laying there. All I want to do is sleep, and I can't, and it sucks.

Ok this is probably the most whiney blog post I've ever written. But I know I'm not alone in this problem, so I thought I'd just put it out there and maybe a few people can commiserate. I honestly intended to do a more in depth post about how insomnia affects me, but I'm too tired so fuck it. Thanks for reading.

Not my exact problem, but maybe this will be what keeps me up tonight.

PS. I'm sorry for saying for saying Fuck You at the beginning of this post. I'm just really, really tired, and really, really jealous of people who can sleep. But I didn't mean that. Let's make up. BFFs.

Tuesday, April 22, 2014

Deep Thoughts on my Favourite Destiny's Child Songs

For those of you who don't know, I have been a busy lady the past year. I work full time, go to school part time, and try my best to keep up this blog and now my YouTube channel. I try to make time to work out, and of course I have a full household of two cats and one tarantula to worry about-sometimes it gets to be a bit much and lately the blog has been the casuality. For the last couple months I have been eagerly awaiting the day in the end of April when I would write my final exam in my class and finally have some extra time to write, and really put the effort I want to towards this thing. I had grand visions of finishing the course and immediately putting a ton of work into my blog, hoping to turn out my online magnum opus by mid-May at the latest.

So far it hasn't turned out quite that way. I handed in my final paper weeks ago, and wrote my exam last week. And I think that the very moment I raised my hand for the exam proctor to take away my booklet of bullshit answers with a few key vocabulary terms thrown in, all cognitive ability vacated my brain. Like just shat out my ear. Taking with it of course everything I learned in the class, and my drive to write about lipstick and Romanian deadlifts. I've been in a near vegetative state the last few days, only able to lay in bed watching YouTube and eating Easter chocolate, occasionally getting up to do some squats and lunges so I don't lose all muscle function as well. When I look back on this time, I will think of it as the Great Crash of 2014.

But I'm ready to wipe the drool off my face and get back at it. I really do hope to write and film a lot over the summer. I love writing this blog, and I got WAY more shit to say. But since I am still just recovering from my mental collapse, I am going to have to start out pretty slow and fluffy. Like a  baby bunny that hasn't learned to hop yet.

(Note :I was gonna remove that weird bunny analogy, but I felt it was good evidence of my weakened mental state)

Like I said, I have been watching a lot of YouTube the last couple days. And I ain't been watching no political documentaries. It's been a steady flow of makeup tutorials and music videos for songs I might like to dance to sometime this summer. And that's obviously  gonna include Beyonce. But don't worry, I know we've passed the point where it's ok to keep talking about The Visual Album. We gotta pretend we're over it, for a few months at least. But that's ok. We've got 4 Destiny's Child (5 if you count the Christmas Album) and 4 other Bey solo albums to talk about, so let's get the conversation started.

Everyone has shit to say about our girls. Are the feminist? Are they perpetuating gender stereotypes? Are they positive role models? And how did Michelle get there? I probably don't have anything new to add, but I also don't get tired of DC, so I'm just going to get right in to telling you my thoughts on my favourite songs, and hope that the rest of you are as devoted fans as I am.

And I promise, I've been drinking my Kombucha and I started reading a new self help book, so hopefully soon I'll be writing about something with a little more substance. Like facial hair bleaching or something. Look out.

Alright, let's get this dance paryt/trip down memory lane started. Here's what I think about 5 of my favourite Destiny's Child songs/music videos.

 1. No No No Part 2- Destiny's Child is one of the few musical acts that I can remember liking since the moment the first single dropped. This is the only song from the original lineup that made the cut-sorry Letoya, and Latavia, it's nothing personal. I remember finding out that the girls were like 16 or 17 when this came out and just being life blows. Kind of the same way that we still feel about Beyonce today. But I loved this song, and I still do. I even memorized Wyclef's rap part. Yeah, I do that. If you ever hear me rap, you will know that I truly love you. Or that I'm very drunk.
Favourite Line: What's the problem baby, never had a girl like I?

2. Lose My Breath- This is one of my main struttin' songs. You know, those songs that you put on your when you're walking somewhere and you want to feel like the boss. I think this video was made during at the height of the terrible Tina Knowles costume design era. Those burgundy pirate looking suits are what the fuuuuuuuuug. But you also get to see Ghetto B here, rocking low slung baggy jeans and Tims, ooh girl. And Kelly really gets down with some wild dance moves. Michelle is there too.
 Favourite Line: You don't have no business in this, here's your papers baby you are dismissed 
(actually this is probably my favourite line in any DC song ever)


3. Soldier-This is my #1 all time favourite Destiny's Child track. This is the girls doing what they do best-making us want boyfriends who sell drugs and buy us things with the profits. This video also features T.I and a very young Lil Wayne. And scary looking dogs. And very pregnant Solange. And Beyonce in overalls. and Kelly in full length fur. And Michelle is there too.
Favourite Line: The whole song.

4. Girl-This song starts to show the other side of what Destiny's Child, and later Beyonce, is all about. Rather than just talking about how men are dogs, this song is an ode to female friendship. Girls being there for each other when their men acting up. Sometimes I listen to it when I'm sad, and it makes me feel like Beyonce is actually really there for me. It's not pathetic. No it's not.
Favourite Line: I'm your girl, you're my girl, we your girls, and don't you know that we love you

5. Cater 2 U- Ok people don't like this song. It's all about a woman serving her man, and critics think it's way too much about traditional gender roles. But I love it, and I saved it for last for a reason. Take a look at the other 4 songs. They're all about what a woman wants from a man, or about men being dogs. That's what most of DC's songs are about. So you can't look at this song and get mad about it without looking at their entire discography-which you should be reviewing on a regular basis. If there was a guy who had a bunch of songs about fucking hoes, and then they had one really romantic song we'd be like aww that one song is so sweet. So yeah, after a long day of selling drugs and buying you gifts, it's nice for you to cater to your man. Or even if he just like, works at a bank and is really good to you, once in a while you can take care of him too. Michelle looks incredibly uncomfortable in this video. Like how did I get here, and why am I naked? Next to Beyonce!?? 
Favourite Line: Whatever you desire, I'll supply ya

Alright that's all I got for now. I mean, I could go on at length about Destiny's Child, there's so many sub-topics. But this fluffy bunny post really took a lot of effort for me. I'm warming it up though, and I have a lot of ideas for upcoming posts. Hope everyone is well, and if there's anything you think I should write about let me know.  Thanks for reading.