Thursday, August 16, 2012

the other thing.

In my first post I said there was something that I want to talk about in this blog other than fitness. It's a topic that is a little harder and more personal to get into, but it's also something that I think is really important to talk about. So here goes.

For a long time, I have lived with some pretty heavy anxiety issues. I'm struggling right now to think of how to describe what it feels like. Anxiety, for anyone who doesn't already know first hand, is extremely fucking shitty. It's this feeling in your gut and your head that things are always about to go terribly wrong. It's just intense worry ALL THE TIME. When my anxiety was at it's worst, I would just wake up every day feeling sick to my stomach with fear of what awful things might happen in my life. It affected my work, my school, and most of all my relationships. It was a constant spiral of what ifs and worst case scenarios in my head, and it was paralyzing. I could never commit to anything for fear of failing, and I felt horrible about myself. Sometimes I honestly thought I was losing my mind. Overall, anxiety is an incredibly consuming and negative emotion.

The good news is that I don't feel like that anymore. Over the past year or two I have realized that I was my own worst enemy. Instead of looking at my life the way it really was, I constantly worried about what might go wrong in the future. I didn't come to this realization easily. Learning how to deal with my anxiety and negativity has probably been the hardest thing I've ever done. I definitely had to make some pretty major mistakes to get to where I'm at now.

One thing that has helped me in a big way is talking to other people about what was going on in my head. In doing this, I've found that anxiety is super common. For me, just knowing that I wasn't alone in feeling this way was a big step towards changing my mental attitude. But part of anxiety is feeling like you're a crazy freak, so it can be really hard to open up to anyone about it. That's why I want to write about how I have dealt with all these shitty emotions. I don't want to get all Chicken Soup for the Soul on anyone. I just want to honestly talk about things that have helped me become a happy and positive person.

I feel that the topics of fitness and positive thinking really go together. I guess it's the mind, body, soul thing. And like fitness, positivity doesn't come naturally to me at all. I was born sour. I never thought that I could be as happy and chilled out as I am now. Obviously my hope is that I can help other people by talking openly about anxiety. But if no one ever reads this blog, I'm not going to worry about it (see what I did there? eh?)

Cool, so that's the introductions done with. I promise every entry won't be that heavy. I just had to put it out there straight up. And with two entries down, I might actually tell someone about this blog soon.

A picture of scenery, because bitches love scenery

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